Diamonds For Your Pain: Death Is Fucking Hard

And then 16 days later, my life changed forever as I lost the biggest and the most important part of me, which is my mother Louisa, who passed away the early morning of April 16st. 

The year before she saw her health decline as she lost alot of weight and was not mobile at all but she kept her health issues to herself as she was very prideful and didn`t want to feel like a burden, thankfully one of my dear cousin Yolanda checked on her and brought everything to light and was such a blessing and a great force of love an care towards her. 

My sister received a phone call from our cousin Yolanda, who was extremely emotional and she was the one who actually discovered the body and she broke down the news that our mom has passed and I had a late delay reaction to the news cause I was on my way to work, literally 10 minutes away and my sister was obviously emotional. I had to stay calm and collected and be there for her and put it all at the back of my head and focus on the day ahead, which was the only way I could function and still function that way to be honest to this day. 

I literally did not know what to do, I was embraced by one of my friends Jo, whom was the first person I saw the minute I got off the phone and I had to carry on the day like nothing happened, but the following day I had to deal with the truth and reality  of the matter that I’ve lost her and she’s not gonna be here and will not be able to talk things out and make peace and come together full circle. 

My sister flew herself all the way back to South Africa to handle all the funeral arrangements, which turned out to be by far the worst experience we’ve ever had experienced ever, because firstly no one actually took the time to check on us mentally and emotionally on how we were dealing with the aftermath of it all. 

And secondly our money hunger and extremely pathetic former Aunt Zoe made this event all about herself and about keeping up with appearance for the public, she acted like she was there to replace our mom but she actually just didn’t give a fuck about her when she was alive nor did when she passed away to be honest. She only saw my mom as a ticket to gain more money and access to her wealth that she left behind. Unfortunately for her, our my mom was extremely smart and she knows her family that she had put everything in order for us to be able to get what we needed and put everything in our names.

That didn`t stop Zoe from trying to gain control over this situation as she made all these plans that had nothing to do with us at all and we were bullied to go along with them and she was determined to drain our pockets dry to make herself look good. She demanded this and that from us but she never put nothing towards the funeral and even during the funeral she just made it about herself even more as she had a whole monologue about herself, that was about her competing with our mother growing up,  instead of being inspired and talking about the beautiful individual that she was, it was like "look at me  type of moment".

She couldn’t help at all and a lot of things came crashing down during the entire arrangement, that we all had to get together as a family and that’s when everything continue to explode and people were exposed to who the fuck she was. I was the bomb that made that happen as I couldn`t sit there and hold my tongue as I see her play in our faces and seeing how things went down, pissed me off.

Which no-one saw coming as me and my sister are so different from each other and express ourselves so different and I`ve always been seen as a soft touch compared to my sister but we were on the same page during the entire event.

As people took turns standing and speaking on the situation, it was my turn and I had to be very direct and at that time I was out of fucks to give because I’ve seen how motherfuckers (Ntsekwa family) operate and I was done with the way that they were treating this entire situation and it was a hot mess from the start to finish. I spoke on my aunt and her behaviour, I also talked about having boundaries and cutting out family members, her being the main one as I finally saw her true colours and they are all disgusting.

Some of the family members were shocked by my language than what I was talking about as I think and know that my words hit hard for them as some of them have the same mentality and traits as her - very thirsty and money driven. I stand by everything I said and I will never see them as family ever again and I think my mom would`ve wanted this to happen for us to see people for who they are and how they show up for people, the Ntsekwa family is full of parasites and egotistical pieces of shits that God put in this earth as a test. 

Which is why I’m always grateful for the other part of my family (Fuma) that always shows up as a real family and they actually secure in who we are and made us feel seen and loved. Each member of that side of the family are so loving, sweet and down to earth and blessings that keep on blessing us and those that they come across. I can`t thank them enough for being amazing and being who they are.

How am I doing lately ? a bitch is currently functioning and using other situations as a way to fill the void and distract myself from my own emotions and not actually dealing with them until I`m in a space where I fully release everything and take healthier steps to making peace with the entire situation and paying a beautiful tribute to my mom, near a beach side as she loved going to the beach throughout her  lifetime.  

Thanks Fuma Family and all our friends whom showed up and showed out for us.