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As I went through numerous motivational videos, I was able to identify a specific pattern which most of the speakers are following. Starting off slowly, with pointing out and trying to reach into your inner self, by using phrases that intend to touch your heart and soul. Mainly mentioning and pointing out very vague topics, or even strategically avoiding them to make it less personal.
It is reasonable, at the end of the day this is their job; they are getting paid to give you that superficial ‘brain food’ that will get you pumped before upcoming events, obstacles and challenges. However, very few or even none of them provide you with the answers and as many before me and most likely even more after me, we all after those answers.
You need to ask yourself a question, why do I even look for those speeches/videos/books/articles? Reason for me at least, is rather simplistic and straightforward: you have a moment of doubt, regardless of what it is, you just look for answers to the questions to which you cannot find yourself, whether it is a broken heart, lack of self-confidence, any form of mental of physical disorders, you just want to get a quick ‘how to’, or at least to hear from someone things you need to hear.
It’s normal, we all and as I said me among you as well, have moments of darkness, sometimes it’s because you live a life that you feel it’s not yours, or maybe you are lost or lonely? Or just sad, blue or upset? Even furious?
But did you ask yourself what is the reason? Often the answers cannot be find in those sources, it is you and what is deep down inside you, some of us simply can’t admit even in front of ourselves that we feel awful because of that one specific reason, of that one specific situation that put us off track.
Trust me, I’ve been there, whole life being a misfit, whether it was school, social situations, work, relationships etc. To be honest I’m still there, but let me tell you something, it’s not a bad thing, because you can realise how different we are and in how we perceive world in different way.
So, does the failures, because those are the main perpetrators of us starting to look for answers which we cannot find ourselves.
I have spent considerable amount of time, breaking into pieces my own psyche, trying to understand why I don’t fit? Why I’m lonely? Why I have so much hard time to socialize in a way as most of other people do? But you get it right, nothing adds up, I tried to be different that I am, less awkward, pretend to be more confident, but the issue still exists and most likely will.
Here’s the thing, it is a matter of acceptance of what you are, and NO, I will not agree that your past does not defines you, because it does.
If you have trust issues, you are rough and often aggressive, it’s because you’ve been hurt, badly; drove to the edge from where you feel there’s no return and your only emergency exit is to jump into the endless pit of darkness and sometimes even madness, feeling like you’re your only ally and enemy at the same time.
This dichotomy of feelings is underwhelming, especially when it is accompanied by series of diagnosed or undiagnosed personality disorders, since they became very common in XXI century, whether due to the pace of life, or progression in technology that made it easier to communicate but at the same time stripped us from the beauty of actual face to face interaction. It appears like your physicality became a coin in trade and others are less likely to know you if you are average or simply do not strive for acceptance, those ‘likes’ on social media, causes us, to be more and more addicted from this online ‘like me for my ass, abs, beauty’ fetishism and makes us to forget on what we can bring into the table, everyone wants to be an ‘instagram model’ or other sickening fake profession, that is based on the outside attractiveness.
But what happened with our minds? They at the end the most beautiful part that we can offer, the symphony of feelings often bottled up with attached ‘I’m okay’ mask, makes people become more and more distant from what makes us human beings.
But let’s get back to the main point of this, whatever it is, feeling. Without lying, I’ve been pre-diagnosed with mild to severe depression, probably you can add to the mix social anxiety disorder, psychopathic traits of personality and some other bullshit disorders that makes most of us think about me as a mess at best, or future Hannibal Lecter wannabe.
In consideration to that, at least I have an amazing explanation of why I feel down 90% of my time, while other 5% is sleep and the remaining 5% is an absolute arrogance and feeling that I’m better than the others, which I’m not, for full transparency. As I mentioned before, often there is that need to have someone beside you, like an actual relationship, where your S.O. is not a dickhead, or cheating slut, just a little piece of normality would be nice for a change huh? Well, kid (who will never read it since this file will be deleted soon), welcome to our fantastic XXI century, where normality had been trashed, decency died and our ‘heroes’ are so to speak wankers whom flexing their muscles on social media.
Have you heard people talking about their life events nowadays without mentioning how impact it had on their facebook profile? Of course, not, because getting married, as once I’ve heard is clearly less important that the number of likes under your status. Quite honestly, it just makes me sick, the lack of intimacy, I even know few individuals who are very good at creating that superficial intimacy, facebook? Most information is fake, but yet you still posting your pics from parties, travels etc. and for what?
If you so not into oversharing delete it, don’t post things, and truth is if you do this, just as me, you are part of the problem. You do it to be appreciated, to show people how fun and cool your life is, but I’m afraid you have nothing else to offer, or at least your life is not even half as fun.
I remember having a conversation with one of my colleagues who were complaining about someone’s posts, they are too private, this person is trying to be too deep, but my answer will be the same:
‘Darling, what is the difference with someone posting their problems on your newsfeed and you uploading a picture from your holiday’?
Is not both an oversharing? Are you not travelling for the experience to see and be fascinated by beauty of a place or locals? Well if you post pictures on social media, you’re right, you do it so others can see it, and as said before to envy you, your always smiley/happy life of a globetrotter, athlete and so on.
Here’s the deal, I do not try to convince you to stop doing what you are doing, it’s not my business, never had been, never will be, but be honest with yourself, with how you feel, I know that for example me, I need someone to talk to sometimes, it would be great to go out with someone who simply loves me and I guess it’s often the reason of me feeling down. Since when you are left out one time to many, you’re becoming overprotective about yourself and you disconnect from people, then you substitute your everyday reality with online one, trying to show others how strong/awesome/independent you are, but deep down inside, we all are made from number of broken parts.
But it creates a question, whether it is a bad thing? I believe it is not, since we are inherently imperfect we should cherish that, but I am also afraid we dismissed the idea of having ‘perfect imperfections’ that we strive for that ideal type of a person that we created and later on sadistically imposing and comparing ourselves to it.
Please don’t get me wrong, there is nothing bad in willing and striving for perfection, but in order to remain sane and at the same time enjoying those small wins, we are achieving by starting to eat healthier, starting to exercise, reading a book, signing up for some form of courses or doing anything that will contribute to our growth. However, at the same time, we need to realise that as human being by default, we will never be the perfect, we will have weaknesses, some of them rooted deeper in our personas than we would like to admit.
It’s funny huh? I started to write it to help myself, but at the end I’m caught up in the same circle of de-personification of the issues, or even avoiding them by any means necessary.
But getting back to the main point, as I might appear (or as I would like to appear), as one tough son of a bitch, that cannot be broken, always follow my goals and reaching them, to be viewed as the ‘bad boy who always gets what the wants’; the reality is hardly similar to that. Since the light is down and I stay alone in the room, I question… the sense of doing what I’m doing, question the idea of being still here without any purpose, question whether it is something wrong with me or simply people don’t give a shit about me, because I try to appear like I don’t give a shit about them?
Most of those questions cannot be answered, or at least cannot be answered by me and my pseudo-psychoanalysis and over-analysis of every aspect of the day. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that’s what you get in the package of having a mind that is prone to read between the lines and when you like to analyse things. Therefore, what you get when you don’t complain to your family and friends? You think, a lot, pretty much 24/7 your brain work like fireworks of thoughts that cannot be controlled and paying attention to every small detail of other people’s words, tone, facial expression, body language, the way they text or why they don’t reply. Trust me, it drives you nuts, but there’s always a way out, previously for me it was getting high, drunk or intoxicate myself in any way possible, because for the very short moment all the functions shuts down. Now it’s working out, sounds fun and people are truly impressed over my 6/7 days a week routine, amazing weight-loss and determination, but to be quite frank, this is not a determination, it is an obsession to not to think too much and get tired as hell in order to achieve it.
Yes, you are getting extra benefits of looking better, feeling a bit healthier, but truth is, it does not bring the effect I was looking for in the first place. Was it that diagnosed depression? Or maybe mental weakness, or hypersensitivity to matters that are directly or indirectly impacting me? Those are the questions that me and probably others that have similar struggles asking themselves daily…
I tell you one thing, no matter who you are, it is okay to be this way, it’s fine and there is no weakness in feeling down, in feeling sad, underappreciated or left out, left alone or defeated. You are not weak, never been, as again once I talked with one of my parents, whom clearly don’t understand neither they are not willing to even try to understand, sometimes when you are though and strong for too long, since very young age, you will break. Just like in theory of the ‘rubber band’; we as humans, homo-sapiens, who are capable of abstractive thinking, we all have that limit just like the band; you can stretch it until a certain point until it breaks, but when it does, the band firstly changed its shape into caricature of its former self; secondly it will get back to the starting point, when the pressure was the smallest.
Since the rubber changed its shape, also its capabilities changed, but in this case for the worst. It is an allegory to us, if we are broken our personality changes, and it changes a lot, not for the better in most instances. We hide in our shells, building higher and thicker walls around us, so we cannot be reached by anyone, and as in most cases, we start seeing every person who tries to approach us, as potential enemies, those who will hurt us in the end; because you don’t believe in people anymore, you actually often despise them for being so up-in-their-asses that they don’t see the damage they are doing to others.
See? That’s what people do, disappoint, so what’s the point to even bother to create relations? Most of sociologists and others, who are clearly more educated and intelligent than me within the field will provide you with an answer:
We are social animals, we seek appreciation, social bonds and groups where we fit in.
But what about those who don’t fit in? What happens to the ones like me or you?
Are we destined to be left out? To be banished or casted-away simply because our mind differs to theirs?
Of course, not, you are special for the way you are, and I swear to you, despite I haven’t met you, I appreciate you, I respect your views, although they might be completely different than mine, but I will listen, I will put an effort to be there… mainly because there was not even a single person there for me; and I know how it sucks, how painful it is, when you coming back ‘home’ and realise that it’s only you, your phone is silent, you watched everything you could on Netflix or whatever you are watching, it’s just you and that chaotic silence, you scroll through social media, although you don’t agree with 90% of the content, you just happy, that others are happy, although you know it’s superficial. Again, you ask yourself, why it isn’t me? Why I can’t have that normal life where I enjoy doing things?
In most cases, you are the root if the issue, remember the depression or social anxiety disorder? Yes, my Friend, this is the reason, life broke you so many times, that you are becoming cynical, you cancel plans, you don’t talk to people because you don’t want to bother them too much, or you are assuming they are not interested in you in the first place, to instead of searching for the signs of why you are valuable to the world, you search for evidences or exhibits of why you are not; why people should like you? Is that a question you ask yourself? Because certainly I do, almost every day and realising that I cause the ambivalent attitude towards me because of the sarcasm, tone, the so-called philosophy of I-Don’t-Give-A-Shittism.
I do get you though, of course you will be this way, because most of the people you are coming across are having either full-time license for mental retardation, they are morons without even a trace of intelligence, or they had used you in one way or another. It is natural that you will be aggressive, or passive-aggressive and you just want to be left alone, but then again the idea of loneliness till the rest of your days if unusually overwhelming and to be honest, scary as fuck.
I don’t want to be alone my whole life, I don’t want to die accompanied by 72 cats in an empty apartment, even now, I don’t want to go back to an empty flat, where there is no Ms. B.; because no matter what you do and how bitter you are became, at the end of the day you wish for someone to understand you, someone who will listen how fantastic or crappy day you had, who will tell you how was their day and you end up with sense of fulfilment because you know that this person is the one that you want to see before falling asleep and that very first thing you see when you wake up.
So far I’m afraid what I have is anger or even wrath, over the fact that certain circumstances controlled me and the other way around, and it grows within you, over and over when you feel that this darkness or that huge black dog who follows you, becomes stronger than you. You lose control completely and you either go on a rampage, smashing things, people and God know what more, or you lay in your bed, with your phone turned off (nobody will call you anyway) with finding difficulties to get your self-loathing ass to the toilet.
Here I will argue, that this anger can also be your fuel, but it all depends from you how you will channel it, because sometimes you achieve more when you got nothing to lose, when you reach that point of do-or-die and believe me you can do a lot, for example during my last year at university (which was the most important one of course) I went through a nasty break-up, I thought that after I graduate, I will propose and I will get my happily ever after that I was craving for. Reality hit me like tons of bricks, my relationship went to the rubbish bin with the rest of hopes and dreams; I was in that be in bed moment. At some point, I said to myself ‘FUCK THAT SHIT’, I was ready to quit on everything, moved out to some God-forbidden place and start again, but after carefully choosing a place by throwing a dart towards the map, I realised that I was running away again, I decided that I will not do it, not again. Time for running away from problems passed when I hit puberty, it’s time to grew a pair and finish what I started, I managed to finish the degree with decent grades, got into shape, met some people and as you read before, I still struggle.
Every day is a battle, but I don’t want to stop, I will fight with everything I’ve got and a bit more, not because to prove others wrong, but to prove myself that I can be what the FUCK I WANT TO BE, no matter how hard it will be, not matter how rough it will get, I will keep moving on.
Do I have moments when I feel awful? Yes, at least twice a day, sometimes through the whole day, week, month, but those are the things I can change, by shifting my ego and start to trust again, to believe that not everyone have malicious reasons in dealing with me, that I will find what I am looking for even if I don’t know what it is exactly, I just hope that when I find it, I will have a strength to fight for it and I will feel this is the thing I needed.
Remember one thins, no matter who you are, where you are, where are you coming from, I hope you will find it as well, that one/two things that you need, and when you do, protect it with everything you got and I will repeat what I wrote before, I do care, so keep fighting, keep moving forward, because you are worth it and you are here for a reason.
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